Friday, July 18, 2008

Friday July 18th.

As I drove through California I saw fields upon fields of Sun Flowers. All of the heads facing the sun. Don't you think that these are just being rather rude?

My nephew Matt called this evening to we could talk about the newest Beck CD. He is a cool dude, a musician, a college student and a very amazing human being. That was the nicest part of my day today. My niece and 2 nephews are 3 of the coolest people that I know. Not only are they just genuinely nice but also each is totally smooth in some really fantastic way. The oldest Matt is this Beck looking, musician, my niece Sam is a total athlete, and the youngest Nick is an excellent mixture of both.

I worked like a woman possessed today, I got a great deal done but the list just does not seem to get any smaller. Plane reservations made, car reservations made, orders placed, bills paid, contracts signed and emailed off. It was a day of tasks that held no real joy for me.

I had the gas company install a digital reader that they can scan from the street for my monthly readings. While I was talking to this man I asked if I had to have the pilot light for my furnace lit during the 9 months of the year that I do not use it. He said that he could put it “out” but the company would not come to relight it. I am wasting $100.00 a year in Natural gas, times that by the thousands of customers in Tucson alone and I am furious about the waist of our natural resources. I have to climb up on my roof and figure out how to do it myself. I refuse to participate in this waste any longer.

I have been angry, bitter, frustrated, and basically today just SUCKED.

When you know that a series of events should unfold in a certain way and when those events do not, it is the cruelest revelation of all. You work, dream, strive towards a singular goal and then have the possibility of that goal stripped away with no recourse creates the deepest wound that may never truly heal. No matter how many months or years may pass there are those wounds that will never heal.

I worked like non-stop today from 7am till 7:30pm and it was one frustrating task after another. I used to not mind those tasks; I was working unfailingly for a singular goal and I kept that goal in the forefront of my mind but that goal no longer exists. I find my tasks have lost a great deal of their luster and I struggle at times to find some goal that I desire to attain.

I feel as if I am surrounded in a thick wrap of dense material that deadens my senses and hazes my vision. I desire to feel and at the same time not to feel. I desire to once again care about something so desperately that I once again have a clear goal in my sites. To find that something that is actually worthy of my attentions and my drive. I ask that the chasm I am looking at will offer a bridge to the other side.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

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